How To End Harry Potter In 200 Words or Less
by BeeUtifulgirl
Summary: Or, Funny Ways to Kill Voldemort in a series of unrelated One-Shots. Most are just fun. I don't mean to offend anyone in any way. I'm just letting my morbid sense of humor run wild. Hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

BS"D

I don't own Harry Potter, but that doesn't keep me from making fun of it once in a while.

I used to read lots of Final Battle- Death shots. This is my own answer to them- funny ways to kill Voldemort, in under 200 words. It's a cute type of challenge, and I encourage others to try as well. I don't mean to offend anyone or anything like that. I'm just having fun. And I'm open to suggestions for other possibilities.

How To End Harry Potter in 200 Words or Less

or, Funny Ways to Kill Voldemort

o-o-oo-00-oo-o

It was one of the most unexpected events in all of Wizarding history. No one- absolutely no one could have predicted such an end to the bloodiest and most destructive war that England had ever seen. For years, most had held out hope that a certain seventeen-year-old boy would be the one to triumph over Lord Voldemort, as several near-escapes and lingering rumors of a prophetic destiny attested to. Who in all the world could have imagined that the greatest Dark Lord would be done in, not as the result of a dramatic battle, not as a result of a destiny fulfilled by the apparent hero of Wizarding Society.

Lucius Malfoy stood against the dining room wall in shock, having just watched his feared master collapse. Gathering himself, he rushed forward to pry the spoon from the cold, white hand. Holding the utensil gingerly between two fingers, as if it was liable to explode at any second, he cautiously examined the remains of food still stuck to it. He shook his head pityingly, staring down at the back of Tom Riddle's head. Raw cookie dough. Hadn't the Dark Lord ever been taught the dangers of uncooked eggs?


	2. Chapter 2

BS"D

Not Mine.

Another stupid idea...

It had been an ambush. The Order guard was quickly overwhelmed by the thirty or so Death Eaters who had been waiting at the entrance of King's Cross Station. Harry, Ron and Hermione were quickly separated, having dodged out of the way of the flashes of spells and flying debris. Pushed against the glass window of a nearby shop by the panicking crowd of muggles, Harry scrambled in his sweatshirt for his wand.

Then, through a gap in the fighting and fleeing figures, Harry saw something that made his heart stop. Lord Voldemort. The Dark Lord had apparated onto the scene on the opposite pavement, his red eyes fixed on Harry. Harry instinctively stepped back, his foot catching on a stray shoe. He tripped backwards, throwing out an arm to steady himself.

It happened too suddenly for anyone to have seen it coming; as Voldemort stepped off the pavement, out of nowhere, a massive, violently purple, triple decker bus apparated with an almighty bang, crushing the body of the Dark Lord beneath its front bumper. Stan leapt out the door of the automobile, his pimpled face stricken.

"Ah, Ern," he said, "Tha's the third un this month!"

oooooooo


	3. Chapter 3

BS"D

Not mine.

o-oo-oo00oo-oo-o

The Dark Lord's body was found several hours later, floating face-down in the pool. The magical team of investigators were completely at a loss to say what had happened. It was only after careful examination of the body that the answer was found. It seemed that it was Voldemort's own mistakes that had led to his drowning.

"I found evidence of a meal, ingested not ten minutes before the time of drowning," the coroner explained to Kingsley and Tonks. "A rather heavy meal too, by the look of it."

"You mean," The metamorphmagus said slowly, as if horrified by the idea "He didn't wait an hour between eating and swimming?"

"Cramped up, couldn't move, drowned," the coroner said, shaking his head. "It was inevitable really."

o-oo-oo00oo-oo-o


	4. Chapter 4

Not Mine.

Thank you to those of you who have read and favorited this story! You guys are great.

It was just past four in the morning, the night sky slowly brightening on the eastern horizon. The beauty of the coming sunrise couldn't disguise the horror that had befallen the ancient fortress that had once been Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The wall had crumbled; the stone debris lay scattered across the once-green lawn. The Forbidden Forest had been decimated, it's trees stripped bare, fallen and ashen. The walls of the castle were scorched black, the smoking remains of the fire that had ravaged the corridors sending up the acrid smell of carbon and sulfur. All around silence reigned.

At the edge of the ruined grounds, two figures could be seen through the fog and falling ash. Their clothes were torn, their faces smudged and scratched. The shorter of the two, a dark haired young man turned to his companion.

"Neville," he said, "I think we can safely agree that you should rethink that career in potions."


	5. Chapter 5

Not mine.

"It's over, Potter," Voldemort hissed, wand pointed straight at the boy's face. The insufferable child had been the bane of his existence for far too long. And now he stood before him, wandless, helpless, and yet, still stubborn. The foolish Gryffindor. The green eyes blazed with anger, determination- but not fear. And here, finally was his, Voldemort's chance. Right here.

…Now…

…now.

The seconds lengthened. The boy's determined face, shifted slightly. He looked slightly uncertain.

And now Voldemort himself was beginning to have the tiniest stirrings of doubt. This was his moment!

…so why couldn't he kill the boy?

Well, it may have had something to do with the thousands upon thousands of murderous, deranged looking teenage girls standing behind the Boy-Who-Lived. Several of them were smacking iron pipes into their fists, still others were clutching picket signs declaring their devotion to Harry Potter and some disturbingly graphic descriptions of what they would do to Voldemort if their boy hero was killed. More than a dozen eyes twitched maniacally.

Careful not to make any sudden moves, Voldemort lowered his wand. He was the most powerful and destructive Dark Lord in all of Wizard History. But he wasn't crazy.


	6. Chapter 6

BS"D

Not mine.

This one's dedicated to all those who are reading this, but also to Iguanablogger, who gave me the idea, to GracefulGoddess, who just had to mention it in her review, and to VisuallyChallenged 22, who didn't like it. Love you guys!

The Hogwarts grounds echoed with the bangs, flashes and cries of battle all across its torn and bloody landscape. Magic rippled and pulsed through the air as spells, hexes and curses were screamed into the heavy air. At the edge of the large lake a spectacular exchange of magic was taking place, as the two leaders of the battling armies fought.

"It is futile, boy," Voldemort called carelessly blocking a hex that would incapacitated anyone else. "Give up, and I may spare your life." Harry fought back valiantly, as the Dark Lord increased the speed of his attack. Spells flew in every direction, burning nearby scrub, sending geysers of water high into the heavens as deflected curses hit the lake that lapped at their ankles.

All of a sudden, a tentacle shot out of the water with a tsunami-like burst, wrapping itself about Voldemort's thin chest. Harry's stood frozen, watching astonished as the Dark Lord was lifted, ragdoll-like into the air , shrieking all the way.

The Giant Squid flailed the man about, before dropping back below the surface with "C'mere Darling." Silence reigned.

Who could have ever guessed that the Giant Squid had fancied Tom Riddle?


	7. Chapter 7

BS"D

This one is dedicated to Dimcairien, who gave me the idea. Thank you so much. If anyone has any ideas for further chapters, I'll be happy to hear them.

Mars was very bright, all the centaurs agreed. The Wizarding humans would never see it coming.

Mars was _very _bright.

It was a revolution of the most unexpected kind. With a roar unlike any heard before in the dense foliage, the great force hurtled forward, scattering branches and adorable woodland animals.

For centuries, Hogwarts students had been told that the Forbidden Forest was off limits. Legends as to the wood's myriad of dangers and dwellers abounded, passing its way down from student to student. Werewolves, acromantulas, druids, half-sibling giants. None of them could compare.

One should never underestimate Mars.

No less so, should one underestimate- _It._

The forgotten. The abandoned.

The car.

Oh yes, tonight the humans would pay.

HHHHHHHHHHHH

It's a little more sinister than the others- still, I've run it by the proper authorities- my content person, and Iguanablogger- and have recieved no objections. I think we can agree that it's a different sort of humor.


	8. Chapter 8

BS"D

Not mine.

And the grammatical mistakes in here are purely intentional. As is the anachronism of having a texting cell phone in 1996. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, read and favorited, though not necessarily in that order. This is another idea of Iguanablogger's with many thanks.

The tiny device _deedled _annoyingly. With a sigh, Tom Riddle flipped open his phone to read the text. It was from Lucius.

"FWD: OMG! this is legit for real. Send this txt to 20 other ppl in ur contacts and u will meet the love of your life. DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN! If u do, something terrible will happen! Kk luv ya! XoXoXo".

Rolling his red eyes in exasperation, Voldemort shut the phone. Was it any wonder that muggles were so weak minded and powerless?

All at once, the ground shifted beneath the Dark Lord's feet. Voldemort lurched, trying to regain his footing. As he threw out his arms, the earth moved again. The foundations of the building rocked, sending the stone walls tilting dangerously. With the third shockwave, there was a rumbling roar as a nearby pillar collapsed, crushing the Dark Lord's body beneath.

The phone _deedled_ again. The screen glowed white. "told ya!. 3"

This is for you, Rick. Hope you're feeling better. :)


	9. Chapter 9

BS"D

Not mine.

This idea has been borrowed shamelessly from the geniuses who created A Very Potter Musical and Sequel. Thanks so much to Immortalli for the inspiration. I don't know if this is what you had in mind, but I hope you enjoyed.

"You really think this could work?" Harry asked doubtfully, staring at the …weapon Ron had handed him.

"Absolutely," Ron, eyes shining with enthusiasm, threw an arm over Harry's shoulder. "Think about it: it's the ultimate surprise tactic!"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"You-Know-Who'll never see it coming!"

"Alright," he said, choosing not to argue. Time was short. Tucking the thin red tube into his sleeve, he braced himself. "Let's go then." The two disapparated, appearing seconds later in the middle of a hall crowded with hooded and masked figures.

"Hey Voldemort!" Harry shouted. The Dark Lord's eyes snapped to Harry's face. "Catch!" With that, Harry pulled the candy licorice from his sleeve as if unsheathing a sword, threw it high in the air, and the Gryffindors disapparated with a _crack_.

Meanwhile, every eye in the hall fixed upon the projectile. The red rope spun high, and began to fall…

Harry and Ron came to land in the field, almost a mile away. Any second now…BOOM! Far as they were, they still felt the blaze of the explosion as Voldemort's lair was blown to smithereens.

"Redvines," said Ron fondly, watching the smoke billow into the night sky. "What the hell can't they do?"


	10. Chapter 10

B"SD

Not Mine

One of my stupidest ideas, but I still like it.

"And so it comes down to this moment," Harry said, staring deep into his enemy's red eyes. The two were standing in the middle of the Great Hall, facing each other, wands pointed into the other's face. Around them were gathered the survivors of the Hogwarts Battle, standing silent, terrified and transfixed. "There's just one more thing to ask," he said.

"And what is that?" Voldemort spat, hatred and contempt in every syllable. There was a pause.

"Do you believe in fairies?" Harry whispered.

"What did you say?" Voldemort hissed.

"Do you believe in fairies?" The silence hung heavy over the great hall, stretched taut. Then, to Harry's astonishment, the wand pointed at him dropped, the red eyes he was staring into filled unmistakably with tears.

"Yes," Tom Riddle whispered, his chin quivering. "Yes I do."


	11. Chapter 11

BS"D

Hi sorry for the delay. Things have been nuts, I think we can all agree.

Anyways. Not mine.

* * *

Here they all were, the inner circle, assembled and ready for the attack on Hogwarts which was sure to spell the end of this tiresome war.

But someone was absent…

The blond man ducked out of the crowded hall, down a dark corridor. Coming to a door at the end, Lucius knocked gingerly.

There was a pause that lasted nearly a minute before he was bade enter.

Lucius cracked the door open, immediately assaulted with flashing lights and the sound of shouting voices. The Dark Lord sat transfixed, watching the action with obvious relish.

"Um," Lucius cleared his throat. "My Lord?"

A pause.

"My Lord?" Lucius repeated a little louder this time. There was another pause, but Voldemort finally tore his red eyes from the action before him to glance over at his servant.

"Oh, yes," he said, distracted and annoyed. "What is it, Lucius?"

"We are ready to go, My Lord," Lucius said, careful to keep his voice humble.

"Go…right, yes." The Dark Lord turned his head back to the fighting before him. "I'll be right there, Lucius."

He waved him off. Feeling defeated, Lucius closed the door behind him, cursing whoever had introduced the Dark Lord to Xbox.

* * *

We're winding down this story, I believe. I have a bank of these chapters which I wrote months ago, but this is one of the last ones. So if you guys want to provide your own ideas, that'd be lovely.

Still waiting on approval of yours, Rick.


	12. Chapter 12

BS"D

_Nischt mein. _

The clouds rolled about them ominously as the group took off into the stormy sky. The wind roared in Harry's ears as he clutched onto the windscreen of the tiny sidecar. Hagrid pulled the bike higher, further into their cumulonimbus surroundings and Harry's stomach dropped in terror. All around them flashes of spells burst against the clouds as dark figures hurtled towards them. They had been ambushed.

"Hagrid, Move!" Harry shouted automatically, but Hagrid had already tugged the bike sideways, causing them to veer sharply out of the way of the Death Eater bearing down on them. Harry twisted in his seat, aiming his wand for the retreating figure. "Where'd he go?" he yelled wildly. Hagrid turned to look as well. All it took was a split second. With a hollow crunching sound of crushed aluminum the motorbike slammed into something huge, metal and solid. The force threw Harry backwards, out of the sidecar, tumbling him out into the dark sky.

As he hurtled through the gray and cold, only one thought passed through his head: what was a Warner Brother's logo doing so high up here?

* * *

This chapter is dedicated to the seventh Harry Potter movie. I just recently saw it for the first time. Have to say, I wasn't impressed, but my family wouldn't let me make fun of the thing as we watched, so here it is for all of you. We were watching this scene, and it occurred to me that the clouds looked very much like the opening sequence clouds. I think this is the first time I've ever killed Harry in this story. Hope you enjoyed.


	13. Chapter 13

BS"D

Harry Potter isn't mine.

Much thanks to Immortalli for the idea (though I'm sure that this is not what you had in mind) - and everyone else who had excellent suggestions

* * *

Most of the dreadful noisemaking creatures that infest my school believe that the caretaker is the first to have owned me. They are wrong. I've been here much longer than Mr. Filch- and I remember every single infectious boil-brained sprog which has ever crossed my path. Unpleasant creatures, children. When I have nothing better to do, I enjoy eavesdropping upon the whispered and hushed conversations which pass between Potter and Dumbledore. So when I heard that _he_ would be coming back, I was fully prepared.

Naturally there was some hullabaloo about removing the children and such. I slept through most of it to be honest, but at last my time had come.

Voldemort's eyes widened in shock, and for a brief moment, terror lit the snake-like face as Mrs. Norris- looking very much like a mildewed carpet -leapt at him with a yowling, unearthly shriek. Her ears lay flat against her head, mouth open to reveal fierce teeth and her eyes glowing as if to say, that's_ the last time you step on my tail, human!_

* * *

Why have I never seen Mrs. Norris in any fanfictions before? Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to all the cat-lovers and cat-haters out there. I totally agree with both sides of the argument. If I truly had no life, I'd probably dedicate this to my family's cats, but I do, so I won't. Hi Belle.


	14. Chapter 14

BS"D

N'mine.

The barrage had ended briefly, each side taking just a moment to rest. The quiet London road where the battle had broken out was now reduced to scattered mounds of rubble and falling walls. Dotted about, the Order members crouched, wands at the ready.

At the center of the line, facing the enemy, Harry stood with Ron and Hermione, watching Voldemort, who stared calmly back.

"It is over, boy," Voldemort said, his whisper carrying across the road. "You are surrounded and your friends are wounded. Surrender to me," he said, his cold voice growing louder, "and perhaps I will spare the-" Voldemort stopped suddenly as a cheery jingling music sounded in the distance. One by one, heads turned towards the approaching jolly circus tune. It was growing closer…just down the street opposite….

"ICE CREAM!" Lucius squealed leaping from behind his rubble shelter. He tossed his wand in the air, and darted past the astounded Dark Lord and Golden trio, a gleeful giggle trailing behind him. The Death Eaters looked around at one another, bewildered, before Lucius's voice came again from down the road. "Ice cream!"

The Death Eaters looked at each other, shrugged, and leapt after him.

* * *

I'll explain: The weather was nice today. The window was open. The ice cream truck rolled by.

There's a thought: Do they actually have Ice cream trucks in England?

This one's in your letter, Rick, right above the notes on Paradise Lost. You can't miss it.


End file.
